Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Fox in wolf's clothing

My brother was just in town over Thanksgiving weekend. It was an unexpected visit with a last minute work assignment. Nothing compares to spending time with someone who knows you so well; and the perfect person to have around when finding yourself in the midst of a spiritual awaking.  We always share great conversation, and this weekend was no different. Quite randomly the conversation of Totem animals came up. My brother said he can see certain animal's traits and mannerisms in people. And he thinks I am a fox. After looking up the Fox as a totem animal,  it was striking how many similarities I share! Fox represent adaptability, protector of their family, wisdom, cleverness, determination, focus and strategy.

But then I began to think about the negative connotations associated with the fox. Why does my brother see me as a fox and not a wolf? Do others see me as a fox too? Do I come off as a cunning and a trickster? Why am I not seen as a powerful and noble wolf?  Then I thought about how animals and how all, no matter how big, small or insignificant they appear to be all have their own unique skills, gifts, lessons and magic. Animals also unconsciously embrace who they are. They do not contemplate who they are, or who they wish they were. A fox does not go about it's day wishing it was a wolf, or a dolphin, or an eagle. Instead they are only who they are. What a great message for us humans. We are all born with our own unique traits and gifts, and magic.  We embrace this as children, yet as we grow up we loose touch with our inner magic. Sometimes this is due to family pressure, peer pressure or self doubt.  We become the fox in wolf's clothing. As we do this, we step further away from who were really are and become lost in who we wish we were, or wish to project to others.  Instead, we need to embrace our true self, our fox.  We need to embrace our unique magic, that is ours to share with the world!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Forgiveness is acceptance

The holiday season is officially upon us! A time of joy, love, cheer, celebration, family, presents and great food. It is the time of year we consciously reflect upon the people and things we are thankful for. Or so it “should” be. However, the holidays can also be a stressful and even depressing time for some people. No more are the things we are missing in our lives more magnified. When we are reminded of the broken bonds with family, or the strains we may be experiencing. When holiday dinners more closely resemble World War 3 than the greeting card we expect (assuming everyone else’s family does but ours).  The truth is, no family is perfect and without their issues and dramas.  And yes, sometimes we are even more aware of them after a few holiday cocktails. Depending on your situation, the pain and disappointment may have been building for years. And as the holidays approach you may feel the need to forgive someone who has wronged you.  

If you are ready to forgive that person or people, then make the call and have that conversation to share your feelings.  I used the word share, not confront. Confrontation is not forgiveness, but the placing of blame and judgment. Confrontations are Ego driven and the Ego loves to play victim and feel justified. To truly forgive is to accept the person for who they are, and know they will never be the person you want them to be. Your journey is no more important in God’s eyes than someone else’s, for we are all equal. Therefore, you must accept the past and have no expectations for the future. Forgiveness is acceptance. If you choose you are not ready to forgive someone this year, that’s OK. Instead, forgive yourself. Accept yourself for who you are and release all of the guilt, the responsibility, the pain and the shame that you have been carrying on your shoulders. Enter the New Year reborn and renewed, with a lighter step and a lighter soul from releasing any resentment that you have been carrying upon your shoulders.  Love your self, be kind to your self and celebrate yourself. You deserve it!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Lizard in a box

There’s no holding back now, the flood gates are open, and the waters of change and emotions are pouring out. The swishing in my ear has stopped, because I have begun to listen. A new awakening, a new dawn is coming.  By reading the other entries of my blog you will know I have been going through a change, or approaching a new path. I continue my journey. Yesterday I happen to come some more insightful information when I discovered Mayan astrology.  As I began to poke around and research my chart I came across some fascinating information about "wavespells", which are personal cycles that occur every 260 days.  I learned that I was going through one this week!  The website proposed to utilize a wavespell by analyzing your thoughts and dreams by keeping a journal. Funny enough, I had started to journal that week (not having done so in over 10 years). I was overcome by a desire to let my thoughts out on paper. Now, to interpret my dreams. Last night I dreamt of a lizard. I kept in a small white box. I loved this lizard, and it showed me much affection back. Then the time came when I began to realize my little lizard was getting restless and wanted to be set free. I became afraid and worried. I tried setting it free in a parking lot, but kept it in the box. It jumped around, moving the box and I was afraid it would get run over by a car. Therefore, it had to be let out of the box to truly be safe, and free.  I pondered setting it free in my back yard to keep it close to me. But I felt afraid and worried that it would escape and not be able to fend for itself (knowing deep down the little lizard would flourish and be happy in the wild).  I then realized what I was really afraid of was that I would never see my lizard again, and it never really needed or loved me. When I  woke up I looked up lizard interpretations on the Internet over my morning coffee. I found that as a totem, lizards represent dream analysis (OK, a puzzle within a puzzle, great). Then I came across a website about Mayan astrology with a birth date calculator to find out what your Mayan animal sign is.  And drum roll please....mine is the lizard! Wow, this is too much!  I suppose one interpretation of my dream is that I am the lizard, or my true self is, that I am trying to protect by keeping in a box.  However, now it’s time to set myself free!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I want to be fire...a poem

I want to be fire, strong and bright
I want to be earth, solid and right
I want to be air, careless and flight
I want to be water, floating and light
But today I feel, unbalance and fright

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Ocean in my ear

I just don’t know what to do.  I know what I’d like to do-take time off from working and focus on home, baby, and self.  To then re-emerge renewed, spiritually in tune and ready for the next (much bigger) step.  What do you do when you can’t?  When leaving your job is not an option for financial reasons?  When the love is gone at work and your higher self feels trapped and depressed?  In a time of record high unemployment rates, I feel guilty.  Am I selfish, irrational? Unrealistic to want to walk away from a “good job” and want to be at home, with my baby, and focus on my spiritual evolution, to become a writer?  My reason, my mind, will tell me yes! But my heart tells me no.  

I have suffered from three ear infections this year, ever since I gave birth to my baby.  My doctor is stumped. I have never had an ear infection prior.  My baby has not had any. I recently came across information about Chakras, how their imbalance has a spiritual, emotional and even physical impact on a person. I came across a book on my bookshelf at home that was given to me 11 years ago by someone I used to counsel with at a summer camp. I have never read the book prior and forgot I even had it. It is about Chakras and how their imbalance can cause physical illnesses and diseases. My research led me to realize my 5th chakra is being blocked, and the imbalance is causing my ear infections.  The 5th chakra represents communication of self and your truth, and expressing one’s creativity; and affects the head, throat, ears and nose. I have done a lot of soul searching, which has brought me to writing. Through my writing I wish to inspire others, to help others heal, to help myself heal.  I have begun doing this, to live in balance with my 5th chakra, but my ear infections continue (I have one as I write this). I hear a swishing sound in my ear, like the sound of the ocean in a shell. Water represents emotions and I am affraid of the ocean. What is being whispered in my ear, what am I not hearing, not doing? What am I missing?

I also recently learned about the North and South Nodes in astrology.  The South Node represents the past and the skills acquired from ones past lives. The North Node represents the future, the destiny in this life time.  The North and South Nodes are always in opposite signs from each other. My South Node is in Taurus, the sign of stability, sacrifice and material foundation; and exactly how I have been living my life thus far.  My North Node is in Scorpio, the sign of the spiritual investigator, to investigate the depths of their emotions and how to use them as a means for self-healing and helping others. WOW! It’s crazy how everything connects.

I started my journey a few years ago when I began to suffer from panic attacks and fear of swallowing (5th Chakra blocked). I took steps...moved cross country, changed jobs, then quit what I thought to be a dream job that was making me miserable, and the panic attacks went away . I was finally heading in the right direction. I spent three months tapping back into my higher self, prayed everyday, was visited by totems and focused on the spiritual aspects of life. When I was ready for my next path, the universe delivered by giving me a better opportunity. And I am grateful. I have learned a lot about myself.  And now I am looking for my next path. But, I feel lost. So I give my trust and future to God and have faith I am where I belong, and will get to where I'm destined to go. Sometimes we need to take a step backwards before we can take a step forward.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Women that drink...cheers

The other day I was out with some of my girlfriends and an interesting topic came up, why women today drink so much more than past generations? I do, my friends do, and statistics back it up. During our round table over double vodkas and tequila shots, we all agreed being a modern woman today is…stressful. Even if you are completely happy with your life, women today face different challenges our past generations did not have to. Whether single or married, with or with out kids, employed or unemployed, career mom or stay at home mom, we all face the same problem…trying to balance it all. As women, we are natural perfectionists. And that means we try to be perfect in every facet of our lives. Add this to our already full plates. We still have the responsibilities they had, with home and family. But now we have added pressures, such as getting a college degree, having a “career” (not just a job), having a female boss who is on the same cycle as you (and hers automatically trumps yours), fear of losing that career, working longer hours, sleeping less, being laid off and having to look for a job in this market , global health and natural disaster, looking like that air-brushed celebrity, losing your baby weight in 3 months like said celebrity, keeping up with technology and new devices (there’s –a-new-i-phone-every-month-and-everyone-seems-to-own-one-but-me-syndrome), comparing your life to “reality shows”  like ‘The Real Housewives’ or ‘My Super Sweet (Spoiled) Sixteen’ (instead of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ and ‘I Love Lucy’), being more successful or making more money than your spouse, resorting to finding love on dating websites, the price of a salon visit, the price of gas, the price of food, the price of EVEYTHING! No wonder we drink. Every one of my friends is going through something stressful in their life right now. As a nation, we are hung over looking to get drunk again-the champagne bubble of the 80’s and 90’s has burst, the high that came with living large is gone, the martini glass of excessive cash flow and spending has dried up, and the punch drunk face of America is now a mean drunk. We are all coping by turning our attentions back to the simple things in life, but the continued uncertainty lingers like a shadow. And so we drink (responsibly of course). We drink to bond, to forget, to unwind, to relax, and to stay sane. I say cheers my sisters, have that glass of wine, you deserve it!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Give it a rest

You've done the work. You have consciously lived each day in balance with your true self and spirituality, have said your prayers, started your day mentally prepared to be in the positive, have shared your gifts and inspired others, or in any other way that brings meaning to your soul. Congratulations! But what if today you woke up, and not sure what else to do. Like a steam engine you were running at full speed, and today you feel tired, overwhelmed or just not in the mood to do the work? What now? TAKE A BREAK!

Ambition is great for achieving your goals, and necessary to reach them.  However, although spirituality may be a goal of yours one must remember that it is also a process. And a process takes time. Just as taking action is essential to make things happen, it is equally important for you to take a break. Taking a breaking will give you time to rest, to gather your strength for future actions, and keep you in touch with your true self. It is during quiet times of meditation, contemplation or just relaxation that we allow ourselves to get back to self.  Logic and the mind are wonderful gifts from God, but remember to give your heart equal time, to live in balance with both. Thinking, contemplating and analyzing can become toxic to your soul and over shadow your true self if done in excess. Trust me, I know first hand this is easier said then done. I am a chronic over-thinker and multi-tasker. Yesterday was my day off and I had to force myself through sheer will to just relax and give my mind a rest. By allowing our mind to rest, our hearts to open, we face the new day rejuvenated and balanced.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Smallville Love

The agony, I loved most of all
Unrequited love, shared by none
You loved her from the start
The fallen angel lost on earth
Stronger than man of steel

You felt so deep for both
Blocked by a wall of fear
But she waited for you
All along, she waited for you
Stronger than man of steel

The spark in your eye obvious
To all that loved you, but her
Who doubted from the start
The messages from above
And were too proud to see

Equals in every way, scared
Allowing time and years to pass
From that first glance.
Still tried hard, the next ones
All wit and confidence.

 I remember that day so clear
When she rode up to see you
For the last time, it seemed
You on the farm,  so wholesome                 
She on horseback, so symbolic


Arms open reluctantly
Eagles visit once again
Wings spread wide
Is this the message
I fear the most?

Always water, in the past
Place of fear and nightmares
But what of the earth
I covered myself in last night
Was it of fear, death or rebirth?

And today biggest fear
Somehow looked so beautiful
No longer death unexpected
Only vulgarity of religion
Into true intent of symbolism

Even you don’t believe, this time
And I truly don’t want to
Horse bites, bird dies
Nightmares bring messages
Of love and bright futures to come

Clipped Wings

Greatness comes early
Children know this secret
Live the true life, true to self
Open and ready to share with all
Proud of knowledge and strengths
Karmic lessons shared with all

But this world is vengeful at times
An insecure soul putting out the light
That burns so naturally through God
Fearful to the core, scared little bird
Teacher becomes the unwilling pupil
Child’s wings clipped so early on

Were your wings clipped early too?
I saw them on the side of the road today
On a walk with my baby
I thought of you , of humankind
If I was not so afraid myself
I would have taken it further
Have we fallen, is that the message?

Friday, November 5, 2010

Crystal in the sky??

It is so easy to start your day off on the wrong foot. Whether it is because you did not get enough sleep, or don't feel well, or are running late to work, and traffic sucks, and you wish you were in bed...the list can go on and on. But those glitches in our smooth day are not what cause the day to begin on the wrong foot, it is our mind set. I had a pretty rough start to my day this morning, with only 5 hours of sleep and getting myself and baby ready to head out the door, only to find my gas light is on in my car, and the gas station pump was broken so I had to move my car, and idiot drivers on the roads...yes, I was not in a chipper mood. However, as my commute continued I began complaining to myself about all sorts of things, other things that happened in the past and had nothing to do with my current commute or day. I caught myself and stopped, took a deep breath and said out loud to myself "why am I complaining, is this how I want to start my day (trust me it was difficult, for I am no Mother Teresa here)?". At that exact moment I glanced over to my left and saw something amazing...a small dot in the sky with the colors of the rainbow! It looked like a crystal in the sky! I looked around to see what was causing it and I couldn't figure it out. I whipped out my cell phone and took a picture to share with you all. I was overcome with this feeling when I saw this light that it was a message, a message that my realization was correct and everything would be fine.  It truly is amazing, as you open yourself up to the universe and signs, they deliver!  It is so easy to take our minds to the negative and mundane, the irrelevant mind torture of contemplating things and people we cannot change. We cannot change the past, and we cannot predict the future.  What we can absolutely change are our thoughts in the present moment. Instead of complaining, try telling yourself you will have a great day today..and you just might see a sign of your own.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

We stopped a car fire tonight!

Tonight my husband and I almost skipped our evening walk with baby.  It was getting dark, and baby and husband just woke up from a nap. It was a lazy day and difficult to muster the energy to go. But a voice inside of me said we should take the walk.  “Come on it’s nice out, let’s go before it gets too dark. It’s dusk and pretty out. We will all sleep better tonight if we take this walk”, I said to my husband.  If I only knew how true those words would ring. We walked down to the end of the street, half of the walk we normally take.  As I made a big u-turn with the stroller, I noticed shadows of fire light flickering off of a neighbor’s garage.  Jack-o-Lantern?  Candles?  After a double take, I noticed there was a small fire under the car parked in front of the garage. I wanted to run up and knock on the neighbor’s door, but the car was right next to the front door, and I didn’t want to risk myself or them getting hurt if the fire got larger. We did not have a cell phone with us. Luckily another neighbor down the street was leaving and coming our way in his truck. We stopped him and told him what we saw, and asked he call the fire department.  The gentlemen in the truck drove down the couple of houses to where the car was and pulled over to and called the fire department.  Unwilling to just sit in his truck, he dashed out, knocked on the front door of the car owner’s house. He saw a hose outside the house next door, grabbed the hose and put the fire out himself.  The young couple who owned the car was now in the drive way now and in shock, thankful that people took action.  Who knows what could have happened, the car could have blown up, the house could have caught on fire, and people could have been hurt. It is so easy to not get involved, to not take action, to walk away.  This is a great example of two important lessons: 1. Listen to your voice, your instinct. I did by dragging my family out for a walk. 2. Take action, get involved, do the right thing. I feel a little bit like a hero tonight. And the neighbor who put the fire out was absolutely a hero!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Cross-Roads...take that first step

Perhaps today finds you at cross-roads in life. You are ready to leave the old, the past, and the outdated behind and take a bold step into the future, the new, the unknown. Weather it is a journey you have consciously followed or an instinctual one, here you are, ready to take action! Your soul and destiny have brought you to this point, and you are confident this it is the right thing to do. However, as you start thinking more about it, rationalizing it and sharing it with others; you start to lose your confidence. “What was I thinking” “it will never work” “I don’t have what it takes” “mom and dad are right, only fools dream and grown ups plan”...

When our life, or destiny, brings you to a cross roads in life, to a time and place where you are leaving the old behind and facing a new path, it is important to have the confidence to proceed.  To have faith in your own vision can, at times be challenging. Often times with our own doubts or over-thinking, we can sabotage our own efforts.  Or, as we share our plans with others we may not receive the support we had expected. Well meaning family and friends may give us all of the rational reasons why not to pursue something, creating even more doubts. Or perhaps the opposite occurs and you receive such positive feedback, encouragement and support that you begin to feel like you may let people down if you do not “succeed”.  If your new path affects your family directly (such as moving, changing jobs, or using money from your savings account) you may feel a lot of pressure not to disappoint them, even if they are totally supporting your decision.

It can be easy to begin to rationalize and therefore doubt your initially instincts. So how do you proceed at this junction? Stop THINKING and start DOING. Have faith in the universe and God, and thus in yourself. If you are living your life in a way that is authentic to your true self, taking actions that is in line with your destiny, and utilizing the skills that have been given to you by God, there is NO SUCH THING AS FAILURE! Even if the outcome is not as you planned, remember that even set backs are a gift for you. For the set backs and obstacles are just as important to your development in this life; and the lessons learned from them are provided to get you back on the right track. All too much, as humans (or type A personalities like myself) we focus on the outcome, the goal, the plan. Instead, you must focus on the now, the journey, and the process to find your true happiness and eventually your destiny. Thank God for leading you to your cross-roads and with faith and confidence, take that first step.