Thursday, December 29, 2011

Take a leap of faith, to land on your feet.

As my birthday approaches tomorrow and 2011 draws to an end, I reflect back on how incredibly challenging this year has been. At times I felt I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I felt I had lost myself, my purpose and my mind. However, it was also the best year of my life due to the lessons it taught me. Such as to have the confidence in myself and trust that my instincts and heart are always right on, even when logic apposes them.

My main challenge was my job. After I had my son I was miserable spending so much time away from him. In addition, I felt it was not my life's work, and a toxic environment all around.  This ultimately started to affect my mental and physical health. However, I felt stuck. Maybe because I had a "good job" during a recession, or the fear of starting a new job when I was already so fatigued and burnt out, or maybe because I didn't want to be a quitter.  For the entire year I went through this challenge, weighing the pros and cons, going back and forth between heart and mind.

As challenging as this year was, it was an extremely rewarding time in terms of personal growth.  I was forced to look inward for answers.  I spent a lot of time researching myself with astrology, numerology and self-reflection. I turned to spirituality and God more than ever before. I knew what I wanted, which was to spend more time with my son. But I was afraid of the financial strain quitting my job would put on my family.  I wanted to be a Mama Bear,  and even wrote poems about it.  I started seeing signs of Mama Bears with a cub everywhere I looked. Mid year my husband and I decided for me to leave my job, but I should wait and finish off the year in order to get my annual bonus. My hope was to leave prior to the holidays but decided to tough it out until the end of the year. I felt good that I could balance my own needs with the financial responsibility of my family.

One day in July, while at work, I decided to reach out to HR to find out about the bonus plan.  I learned that in order to receive my bonus I would have to be employed with the company through March of the following year. It was too much to handle. I am not sure why since I have gone through more difficult challenges in my life. I believe it was because I had spent so much energy fighting against my heart that I was simply exhausted. To top it off I was being offered a promotion opportunity within the company.  I felt so overwhelmed with what I should do. I took a break to write a poem* (and included an image that inspired me of a mama and baby bear)about my feelings and then took a walk.  I prayed to God to give me an answer, should I stay or should I go?  A few minutes later I headed back to the office as I came across a stuffed Mama Bear with cub* in a store window.  It was my sign!  It was time to move on.  However I was still afraid to take the leap.  A couple of months later I couldn't take the stress anymore and took a leave of absence to think things through. During my time off the signs of Mama and cub bear kept coming, such as coming across a bus with their image painted on the side*. During my leave I was also able to take the time to rediscovered my passion for psychology and decided to return to school to obtain a Masters degree. Two weeks ago I finally resigned. This week I have received two amazing employment opportunities to decide between, that are in balance with my passions as well as allowing me the time I want with my family.

When we are faced with challenges, or forks in the road, we have to listen to our heart.  We need to make bold moves in order to make the necessary changes in our lives.  Fear will always hold us back from progress.  But when you take a leap of faith, a leap made using the heart and soul, you will always land on your feet.  And when you feel you are lost,  just ask for a sign...they will come.


* References

Friday, July 29, 2011


Just a mother's wish...a poem

Swimming in quicksand
Why is this so damn hard
Used to have the answers
These days vision so muddy
Want it so bad, maybe why
The universe is testing fate
Patience a virtue I pray for

Always seen eye to eye
Now bulls staring strong
Life changes with new life
Both wanting the best for him
But I feel lost in the shuffle
Mama bear ready to hibernate
Tired of all the hunting

Am I selfish to want this
Should I sacrifice my soul
To get through another day
Deadlines winning the race
How can I keep running
Just a mother’s wish,
To be home with her baby
 



                                  
                                         Stuffed Mama Bear and cub in store window:

 


The side of a bus:
                                                           

                                                           ...the signs were everywhere!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

But today...a poem

Sometimes pain
Feels easier
Such loss
Many angels
Watching me
Inspiring art

But today
Maybe tomorrow
Happiness wins
Such blessings
Of love
And dreams

Bitter sweet
Is life
Valleys low
Mountains high
To adjust
Takes time

Tried shallow
Fought depth
Even I
Don't understand
Only faith
Paves roads

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Thought of you today...a poem

Thought of you today
Did you hear my voice
Shed tears for your today
Did you feel my pain
Spoke of you today
Did you know that too

Don't get upset with me
Been strong and spirited
But today I just wished
To speak to you this time
Mentioned you somehow
And said it's OK once again

So I dream of bears and fox
And forget the day I heard
And even worst, the day I knew
Such bullshit, all of it
God I fucking loved you
And...here I am missing you